& she lived happily ever after.

You think ‘Okay, I get it, I’m prepared for the worst’, but you hold out that small hope, see, and that’s what f**ks you up. That’s what kills you.

I remember clearly how I chose to stay and fight for that relationship although I knew it will fall apart soon or later. I knew you are hopelessly wanting to make a better life for yourself and you have too many things on your plate. Perhaps you actually did love me, but I think, for you to say “I love you” to me carries a lot of responsibility, and you simply didn’t have the strength or even the willingness to carry it over your shoulders. Whether to forgive you or not, it’s not a matter of choice, but rather out of a need with the understanding that, if you have really loved me, you would have made that choice to fight and stay for me rather that letting me slip away in the name of “for the sake of our own good”. Well, the decision to agree with your request didn’t take long anyway because it was purely instinctive and out of respect for your decision.
Yes, I do have to admit I still miss the feelings from time to time and cannot figure out how to completely disassociate you in the present time from past sentiments. I have to also constantly pull myself out of the desire to dwell in my past because it is terribly time and energy consuming.
I’m tired of feeling sorrowful around the clock and regressing at other aspects of my life because emotions were reigning over my head and I didn’t have a life. I have wasted precious time in my past and I want to move on so much. I’m done with this and I have a life to build for myself.

25 things I learnt in the midst of my suffering
1- when push comes to shove you always only have yourself.
2- Those who promised to always be by your side through thick and thin are going to leave.
3- No boy is going to swoop in to come and save you, when it doesn’t work out you will be left crying harder than before on your bathroom floor.
4- You’re going to want to give up, but don’t.
5- Quit holding back, say what you need to even if you make a dick out of yourself at least you know you tried.
6- Put down the fucking bottle, why are you doing this to yourself? Do you really think drinking yourself unconscious is going to help.
7- Other people’s opinions do not define who you are, don’t let what they say about you get you down.
8- It’s okay to want attention but don’t go exploiting yourself for it.
9- Stop putting on an act for everyone, you don’t have to pretend every moment you’re around people to be happy, all you are doing is damaging yourself even more.
10- Your mood is going to go up and down, let it. Feel whatever the hell you’re feeling.
11- It’s okay to take a few days off school for your mental health, you come first, education second.
12- Love isn’t the way media portrays it to be, there is no happily ever afters only a broken heart and damaged trust.
13- You are not your depression or anxiety. It does not define you. There is so much more to you than the mess inside your head.
14- As you get older you’ll notice more people starting to leave, let them. You never need someone who doesn’t need you.
15- You don’t have to be like her for someone to love you, the right person will love you for who you are.
16- Not everyone’s intentions are good always remember that.
17- It’s not the end of the world just because a boy left you.
18- Never wear your heart on your sleeve, unless you want to get taken for granted.
19- Get up even when you don’t want to, get in the shower, life goes on.
20- Just cry, stop being so ashamed of your emotions, let it out, if you feel like you’re needing to hold it back you’re with the wrong people.
21- Don’t push people away because you’re scared, you can’t expect everyone to come running back.
22- Friends lie, boyfriends cheat, your parents will break you, it’s all apart of life.
23- Don’t beat yourself up to much over one bad grade, you are doing the best you can.
24- If you’re waiting for your phone to light up turn it off and leave it off for awhile, your unnecessarily breaking your heart every minute that goes by without their name coming up.
25- Try not to let fear paralyse you too much. Life is about taking chances.

I want someone to love me the same way I love them, but that may be asking too much. I have come to accept the fact that everyone loves with a different heart in their own way. I just hope one day someone loves me the way I need to feel loved and I really hope I make them the happiest person in the entire universe.

She knows she is lonely, yet she has no problem with it. She prefers to spend her time alone instead of dealing with people’s lies and games.